Kathryn's Inbox Exclusive: Deadbeat Dad Disappointed by Belated Father's Day Gift

NOWHERESVILLE AUSTRALIA--Twenty-seven year old Rocco Baker, who has not seen one of his eleven children in the past two years, and who recently taken to court by all five of his former partners for his staunch refusal to pay child support, was left feeling 'disappointed' on Father's Day, when none of his children bothered to buy him a gift. 

"My children are nothing but a bunch of ungrateful little shits," he told our reporter. "I went to the trouble of giving each of them life--even the ones whose mothers were like, ugly and shit, and now they can't even be stuffed thanking properly for that on Father's Day. They didn't even have to visit, at least one of them could have thought to have left a slab of beer at the door."

A few days after Father's Day, Baker's hopes of a gift were, at least partially restored when he received an envelope in the mail addressed to him in a childish hand. "I opened it, hoping that it would be a cheque or something, but all that was inside was this shitty handmade card from someone called Naomi."

When asked by our reporter if it was correct that one of his daughters was called Naomi, Baker looked momentarily confused and then nodded. "Yeah, I think so," he said. "What an ungrateful bitch, eh? She couldn't even be bothered going to the shops and paying for a card."

When it was pointed out that Naomi Baker was six years old and the cost of a greeting card may have been a little out of her budget, Baker looked surprised and then annoyed. "Yeah well, whatever," he said. "But next time, you think if she's going to draw all little hearts on the card that she could learn to colour within the lines and not do it so crooked and shit ..." 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Peppermint Patty: I Cried and Cried and Cried

Image
Unrequited love is a common theme in the Peanuts Comics and is one that I have previously explored on this blog. We know that Lucy loves Schroeder, Sally loves Linus and Charlie Brown has a crush on the unseen, unnamed and utterly unattainable Little Redhaired Girl. But perhaps the saddest unrequited love stories from the comic is that which ran in late June 1972. It was the series of strips where the usually self-confident Peppermint Patty came face-to-face with the Little Redhaired Girl with the intention of thumping her and then something surprising happened: Here we have a usually self-confident girl, who is funny, unashamedly herself and talented at sports reduced to tears by the realisation of who she is not and never can be. I really feel for her in this series of comic strips. She knows that Charlie Brown can never love her, when he is so hung up over a girl who represents a supposedly ideal feminine beauty. Fortunately Linus, the most spiritual member of the Pean...
Read more

Charlie Brown, Lucy Van Pelt and the Football

Image
One of the longest, and arguably, most infuriating, running gags in Charles Schulz's otherwise brilliant Peanuts comic strip, is where Lucy promises to hold a football for Charlie Brown and then pulls it away at the last minute, causing Charlie Brown to fall flat on his back. A typical strip looks like this: Source: Go Comics The gag is one of the darker themes in the strip. It works on the concept that every year, Lucy promises to hold a football for Charlie Brown. Every year, Charlie Brown is initially filled with doubt but is eventually pushed on by a kind of optimism that perhaps, this time, Lucy might just let him kick it after all. As a metaphor for life, it is pretty simple. It talks of the moments when we choose to put our trust in people who have let us down only to be taken by surprise when they let us down, again. Lucy is, arguably, one of the crueller characters in the comic. Described as crabby by the other characters, she is often selfish, takes delight in wilfully hu...
Read more

Phrases and Idioms: Tickets on Himself

To have tickets on himself: (Australian slang.) To be conceited or vain. To have an overinflated opinion of oneself.  He's got tickets on himself if he thinks that any woman would fall for that. I was thinking about this particular bit of Australian slang the other day, after my boss said, "He's got tickets on himself," to describe the actions of a particular individual. At the time, I smiled, knowing exactly what the boss meant. Later on, I started to ponder on this unusual phrase and wondered where it might have come from. A search on google helped me find the definition, but that was about all. There are no references to it being used in pop culture or literature (if you find one, let me know,) and at the time of writing this post, Tickets on Himself was not listed on Urban Dictionary. (I tried to add it, but the fuckers rejected my definition. They probably think I have tickets on myself or something for trying to add a relatively common piece of A...
Read more